simple things in life

2008-10-27T00:38:00.003+08:00

Wa damn power leh.

Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew:
“That is the way the world is. I have explained this. I think I lost votes after I explained the awful truth. Nobody believed it, but slowly it dawned on them – especially the graduates – that yes, you marry a non-graduate, then you worry about whether or not your son or daughter is going to make it to the university!”

http://theonlinecitizen.com/2008/10/mm-lee-on-assortative-mating/

Are u a graduate??

IF YES -----> Your parents confirm Graduates, if not how to produce a smart kid
like YOU?!?!?

IF NO -------> Wa lau, your parents fault la!! Who ask them so STOOOPID???

Oh my oh my.
Then again, I wouldn't expect very much from the father of the son who said that those who are potential future leaders of Singapore may only come in the form of 4A's achievers in the 'A' Levels.

Oh my oh my.
Do forgive the old man, old people do say silly things sometimes. (Even if he happens to be a graduate of one of the top universities in the world) ---> so, what does that tell you about graduates?

2008-08-05T23:03:00.002+08:00

I think I'm in depression.

My family is screwed up, my life is screwed up, and now even my hobby is screwed up. Tell me, what can be worse?
I used to play ultimate cos it helped me destress, I would put all my energy into my throws, put all the frustrations into that huck and all the unhappiness into that run. Its something I looked forward to every thursday since Oct last year, its through it that I met my current bf, got hooked onto throwing that white disc, got introduced into leagues and eventually, Disc Knights.

For a period of time, life seemed perfect. I was developing as a player, a new life was starting for me with a new guy, I was surrounded by friends, my parents were supportive. I was happy.

Looking at myself now, I try hard to recall when was the last time I really smiled, when was the last time I felt happy. And I can't remember. Arguements pop up again and again between me n my guy, there've been moments I felt it was just all wrong. That he didn't understand me, that he was selfish. Moments I wished I will never remember. Its not that he's a bad guy, he's not. He's a good guy. But there have been too many things that happened for me to just forget the consequences of things that happened because of things he did or didn't do.

I joined DK in March this year. I was a noob, seriously a noob. Like wtf, now that I looked back I wonder why I even dared to join when I was so lousy. In school, I always feel good about myself. I was easily the best female handler on the team, and had personal coaching from the captain. In october, I didn't know the difference from a vertical stack and a horizontal stack and I went for the SMU competition. By some miracle I was part of the champion team. But I did shit to contribite to the medal. But it was that competition that spurred me on to learn more, to improve myself. And I did. I joined the winter league in Dec, and yea I got thrashed flat by most of the girls. Almost all of were better runners, better players, more experienced. I was nothing but a lousy 3-mth-old player.

With a thick skin 3 mths later, I went on to join DK, one of the top local ultimate clubs in Singapore. Why the fuck they asked me to join in the 1st place I really don't know. At my 1st training, I screwed up real bad. Maybe that could have been an omen. But nevermind, I decided to chill, and just learn as much as I could. Didn't matter that I didn't feel welcomed, didn't matter that no one really bothered to teach me anything. All that mattered was that u were there, to guide me, to teach me.

Another 3 months after I joined DK, I was placed into Team A of the squad to play for the Singapore Opens. I don't deny I've always wanted to get into the A team in DK, the greatest honour in my Ultimate stint. But I never thought my chances were high. I thought if I worked hard enough, I might be able to make it to the A team for the Opens next year. Out of 20 girls all of whom had more experience than me, whats the chances of me making it into the top 8? I'm not atheletic, I'm slower than most girls though I've improved. I'm short. Only 156 in fact. I can't jump high, my core muscles are non existant. More like fat. And the funniest? I can't even do a proper layout.

But thats ok, cos I know I've tried. Even if I don't make it into the top team, I did try my best. Even when I suck at running, I'd run till I felt like puking. Till I get a blood clot in my toe. Till my toe nail dropped off. I'd be committed to the team even if they didn't trust me on the field, cos I know one day I'd show them that they could. I did all of that. But now people can tell bf to tell me that I wasn't committed enough. That I give up too easily. What can I say? I rest my case.

No one understands the kind of pressure I'm under. At home, in school, at Ultimate. Never a moment of rest, of peace. When I'm trying to do my work at home, mum pops in to tell me stuff I really don't wanna hear. It affects my mood but I still have to go on cos I need to hand in my projs. In school, all I really looked forward to was thurs training. But now when I go all I see are hypocritical people, especially kenneth. People who are unobjective, people who are willing to undermine all your efforts and not give a damn about how much it hurts. People who decide on your future on a mere wimp, deleting all that you've done over the course of the year. When I'm at training in DK, all I get are words of reproach, Dawn you're flaring out, Dawn catch up with ur girl, Dawn u're not suppose to use your forehand etc etc. Some of the terms they use, I don't even understand.

What happened? I think I've risen the ranks too high, too fast. So fast I don't even know what I'm doing. I didn't ask to be in the A team. I'm not good enough. Its making me feel so pressurised yet not getting the opportunity to experiment enough and learn. I'm just not supposed to make mistakes or I'll be deemed as a burden to the team, and a failure. Which I already am in the eyes of some of them.

I wish life could be a little kinder to me. Pls, there's only so much I can take.

2008-06-30T23:44:00.003+08:00

Its been a long time since I updated, but each time I do, it seems like its bad news.

I'm unable to accept this decision, and won't be able to for a long time to come.

Its like a thorn sticking in my flesh, and yea, it hurts.

I can't believe you were unable to do anything about it, you just didn't.

2008-05-08T21:20:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, we live in blindness for most parts of our lives. We see, but we don't understand. We hear, but we don't listen. We know, but we don't appreciate.

What happens when something, someone that you believed in for 23 years of your life turns out to be something else? Someone you never thought to be so? Someone who has done things you wouldn't have allowed anyone else to do to you, someone you looked up to and trusted so much, someone who always seemed like the figure of perfection... and everything just crushed down on you one day after 23 years? Would you be able to take it?

First, its disbelief. Then when the truth sinks in, its shock and dismal. Then, when the shock gets over, you just hug yourself and cry and cry. The truth really hurts sometimes. When you've tried to ignore little inconsistencies so that no questions are asked, when you've tried to ignore little quirks as normal, you realise what you've done is actually just condoning the abnormality to continue.

But its now too late to change anything. The only hope is to be aloof, get by day after day, be there for people deserving of your time and concern, and pray that maybe one day, the impact of this nightmare will diminish bit by bit.

Its never too late to start appreciating someone, and right now, I'm learning how to. For 23 years I've neglected a special person in my life, someone who's gone through hell for me, and I promise, I'll make it up to you. It breaks my heart so bad to hear you say all that, but I promise you, all will be better from now on. I'll never let you down again, and I'll always be there for you when you need someone. Everyday will be your day, everyday I'll try my best to make you feel loved and appreciated. Cos I know thats what you need, what you've not been getting for so long, and I just want to make it up to you for everything you've ever suffered for me.

I love you Mummy, I really do.

2008-04-23T22:18:00.001+08:00

If you support the removal of TV mobile on SBS buses, please sign this petition NOW. It would show them we mean business.

http://www.petitiononline.com/tvmobile/petition.html

2008-04-21T21:55:00.002+08:00

I just saw the report on the news about the Mas findings.

One thing puzzles me. Just like how a CEO is made responsible for the losses a bank incurs, I wonder why is it that only the small fries like the guards and supervisor are implicated in the Mas saga? And all darling Mr Wong needed to say was "I apologise"?

Then maybe the UBS CEO should have just said "Sorry, let us learn from this lesson of misplaced complacency and lets move on."

Maybe then he might have been able to retain his rice bowl.

Mr Wong said he is "satisfied" that it (the Committee of Inquiry) has "held nothing back" in its conclusions and recommendations.

Hello, whether or not you're satisfied, is not the issue here. It's whether the tax payers, the ones who are feeding you your million dollar salary, are satisfied or not.

And right here, you have one that clearly isn't satisfied.

2008-04-11T22:51:00.003+08:00

Today kinda ended on quite a good note!

Dino didn't pee or poo anywhere he wasn't supposed to, he was such a jem, other than the times when he tries to bite when I'm trying to groom him. He doesn't really like being groomed, I wonder why. Isn't it suppose to be some form of luxury for him? Like you know, how I enjoy going for my manicures and pedicures and being "groomed". There I am, giving him nice belly rubs and combing down his fur, getting rid of tangles and food from yesterday stuck to his paw fur, and there he is, trying to give me a good bite. DOGS. *shakes head*

Oh oh!! My ex-tuition kid's mum called me, and they want me back! *gleeful smile* Good good cos they're koreans and they pay well and they treat me real nice. I stopped teaching them cos they moved to somewhere further away, and it wasn't convenient for me to travel that distance. But now they're moving back closer to my place, and so they want me back! So sweet of her to call me, I was really kinda surprised she still kept my number. =) Sooo looking forward to seeing my kid again. So that's good news.

There's something rather strange lately. For reasons unknown to me, I seem to have this uncanny ability of reading into articles reported by Straits*uh-cough*Times*cough*, and somehow read stuff thats not really whats written. Or rather, read stuff thats not suppose to be what I'm suppose to be reading. Sounds complicated? Thats ok, I'm rather confused by it myself. To clear this air of confusion, let me try to take note of futher articles and maybe I'll list them down next time.

*added on*

Oh oh!! Hahahaha I just remembered the article I read earlier this morning, simply fantastic. 22cents spent on rice for every $10 spent? You mean EVERY family is like that meh?

Poor family=rice+egg+can food like tuna+(maybe even milk is too expensive).

Middle class=rice+egg+can food like campbell soup+coffee.

Upper class=rice+egg+can food like carbonara sauce+cranberry juice.

Those-earning-indecent-salary-with-nose-in-the-air=rice+egg+can food like abalone+1970s wine.

I think that the 22cents spent on rice for every $10 spent only apply to those who can afford the cranberry juice and the 1970s wine. By using my Shelock Holmes deductive skills, I can safely presume that the person who made the above statement falls into..............(we-all-know-which category).

22 cents indeed.

2008-04-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

There I was, telling Eugene how I felt about PM Lee saying that those who score 4 As during A levels would make good candidates as his successor, and what his beloved daddy MM Lee said about Mr Mas escaping is due to complacency of Singaporeans and not the government. Damn funny la!!! I just read Mr Wang's blog and realised his lastest 2 articles talked about the exact same thing I was telling gene about! This is so uncanny. I'm getting more in sync man.

Take a look, those of you who even bother to read into articles published by our national paper. Honestly, if they believe people these days are gullible enough to just take in all they say and *nod-nod-nod* *yes sir u're right!*, then seriously, they need a reality check. People are questioning, people are better educated, and most importantly, people are more well-travelled and getting exposed to more sources of media. Not just The Straits Times. U're no longer our only source of information my dearest. This is a very severe lesson in complacency. Wahahahahaha!!!! Not I say one. MM Lee say one.

Check out this man's blog. I'm officially a fan of Mr Wang. Hahahah!
http://mrwangsaysso.blogspot.com/2008/04/search-for-political-leaders.html#links
http://mrwangsaysso.blogspot.com/2008/04/very-poor-service-by-straits-times.html#links

2008-03-28T22:12:00.005+08:00

HOW COULD YOU? By Jim Willis, 2001

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend.

Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub. My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together.

I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers."

You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life.

You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room.

A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dog speak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place.

And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

Jim Willis

Whenever I feel angry with Dino these days, I always read this article, which never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Dino's just turned 4 months, and he's been biting alot cos he's teething, which irritates me to no end. When I shout "NO!", *nibble nibble nibble* den he looks at me with those round eyes, testing his limits. Recently he's been having a lil problem. We've been training him to pee on grass, but apparently its bad for the garden cos yellow patches are sprouting out everywhere. And well, the grandmaster wouldn't be pleased. So now we're trying to get him to do it in the toilet. He may be smart, but he's still a canine. with an IQ of i dunno..30? It requires so much patience from everyone. But everyone's got to understand from his view. Changing a habit is hard for a human, not to mention a puppy. *breathe in breathe out* PATIENCE.

Dinny thinks the world of us. U can tell by that adorable look on his face whenever you hold up his toy or have some food in your hand. He bounces around when you come home, he pratically does a celebratory dance around the house! You gotta really see it to know what I mean. He's a good boy, really. More importantly, he's just a baby, our baby. He isn't there just to be cute all the time, he's there to bring out the best and worst in us, to let us understand the difficulties of overcoming obstacles and coming to a common agreement. Sometimes, just because I know he's obedient by nature, I expect too much of him. I expect him to know he's not suppose to put his paws on the sofa when its wet and muddy, not to run around the house when he's dirty or when the floor is wet, not to lick my face when I'm sleeping. But he was never born to know all that. He doesn't beg for food when we're having our meals, doesn't steal food, doesn't jump when he wants food. And doesn't bark. Honestly, he's a real gem. Sure, he may test his limits by trying to see if he can climb onto the bed everyday, but really, all he wants is to be close to us. We've just got to see things from his doggie perspective.

*woof woooooof*

Let me translate: "Hi, I'm Dino. I know I look real small here and un-intimidating, but trust me, I grow big real fast! just watch! See, I can now fit into a wash basin.... "

*woooooof woof!*

Translation: "And now I can fit on a weighing machine! Oh no! 5.3kg?? Dr Phyllis said I have a lil belly and told mummy to watch my diet... =( Doesn't sound like good news at all! *scratch scratch* Does that mean lesser tweets?? *shiver* I think that evil doctor is gonna pluck my ear fur! Dunch wannnnn!!!! *growl* *BITE*"

*wOOOffff Woooffff!!*

Translation:" I think that I'm such a brave boy! After the last traumatic experience at the vet, I swore to myself I wouldn't let them put that scissor-like thing near my ear again. But mummy said its for my own good, or I'd have ear infection! So here I am, my virgin time at the groomer's, showing mummy just how brave I am. I didn't nearly squeal as loudly this time! I swear! So do I get a nice nice tweet for this?"

*Woooooooooooooooofff.......Woof!*

Translation: "Here I am, on mummy's lap, finally heading home sweet home after bring at the groomer's for 3 hours!! I stood till my lil legs almost went numb. The groomer said I was a good boy, and even gave me a bag a tweets!!! *excited wag* I can't wait to get home and do that big pee I've been holding for sooo longgg...and show off my new hairdo of cos'!!"

*WOOF!!!*

Translation: "Presenting Dino the handsome boy!!!! Do I hear the woahs and ahs??? Thank you thank you. I know I'm cute, but I'm more intelligent than I'm cute! So you can just imagine how intelligent I am. *smirks* I just wish its a long time before I have to visit anyone who's gonna pull out my ear fur again. Not a nice feeling at all!! Wanna try? We could trade places for a day!"

*Wooooof??*

Translation: "Whats that thing I just spotted? I think I shall go investigate. No one invades my garden!!! *growl* Be back next time!"

And that's the end of Dino's diary. That's all folks!

2008-03-22T22:03:00.003+08:00

yea, i know its super lack of updates. but no one really cares right?

just so that I'll remember months and years down the road, I once said I would earn the orange jersey for myself, and here I am, 6 months after playing ultimate, at my 1st training with Disc Knights.

I must say I'm quite happy with my performance today, didnt screw up too much, made a few nice throws, though I threw one that was like shit that resulted in Nic attempting a layout that ended with a bloody knee. Sorrrry!

Was i pleased with the training? yes and no. went over that this afternoon, dont wish to elaborate any further. i'm just glad that at least i know the prominant people in the team, that makes integrating alot easier. I give myself 2 months to move onto a new level of play, and in 2 months will be when the whole team learns my name. thats not too ambitious, is it?

definitely, its a whole new level of playing field, very different from SIM ulty. here i'm forced to perform to my best or risk throwing my face. cos i'm already one of the lousier girls here. and i know it! but in SIM its so easy to be the one doing the scolding, rolling my eyes when i see the throws, and catches. here, its just different la! u have to see it to know it.

anyway, so much for going on and on like an old hag. looking forward to next training.

2008-01-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since I last updated.

A few events have passed us by, Xmas eve, Xmas day, my bday, my 1st beach ultimate, new year's eve...

Let me recall them one by one and pen them down, so that I'll always have these sweet memories to look back to and remind myself just how nice this dec has been.

xmas eve...

I spent the afternoon shopping and looking for presents, for the gift exchange cum xmas eve party with Disc Knights.

Then what was supposed to be a quiet time wrapping presents turned out to be a lifechanging moment, on the bench underneath the stars. That song just made my heart warm, I gazed in wonder as I pondered upon the future. It hadn't been an easy road so far, how much more will we have to endure? But I nodded my head, an indication that the journey has begun.

Actually, I was really contemplating if I should go. Wld I be very outta place? It felt really odd, that 1st meeting with all of them, even though I already knew some of them. But surprisingly, I enjoyed my night, I enjoyed their laughter and company, and it made me feel so warm, like part of the family...

Thanks for bringing me there, showing me all those joy, fun and laughter...

xmas day, my birthday...

It was suppose to be a relaxing and quiet lunch, no real plans, just chilling and enjoying the lazy afternoon. As it turned out, I got the relaxing part right, but lunch was anything but quiet. In fact, it was real noisy. For the 1st time ever, I got a surprise lil party by my frisbee mates, totally unexpected and amazing. I walked into the restaurant, and there I saw the gang of them sitting there with grins plastered on their faces, my jaw just dropped. It was one of the sweetest moments in my life, made possible by the sweetest person in my life.

When the cake came, it just blew me away... the realisation that so many hours was put in to get the ingredients, and to experiment it before the cake was made. The work put in was enough to put anything I've ever done to shame.

This was the cake that was being presented to me, u could only imagine the surprise I felt. The joy is clearly expressed in the picture that speaks a thousand words.
Thanks for bringing that joy and laughter into my life, yet again...

My 1st beach ultimate gathering...

I seem to be using alot of absolute terms recently, but 29th of dec was really the most fun and enjoyable beach outing I've ever had. The company was great, the food was great, the pick up game was just fantastic. I'm looking forward to my next one!!!

As for new years eve, stay tuned.

2007-11-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

Got back my marketing project results.

Terrible.

I wanna cry.

2007-11-05T14:32:00.000+08:00

Here I am, home alone in the middle of a lonely afternoon. I'm listening to No Promises by Shayne Ward, I promised u I would. Its prolly the 10th time its playing now...

I know I should be opening my book and concentrating on it, my paper's on Friday! But but...its so hard, esp now that I'm listening to that song. The tune's so catchy and its really nice. And my mind keeps playing back to the scene on the balcony... like its right out of a movie.

I've never really imagined doing something like that, and it just blew me away. I really seriously doubt I if I could ever look at u at the way I should now. U're told me loads of times, that its a test of time, a test of faith, a test of emotions. Sometimes I see the point of it, but sometimes I just don't. Even if one problem is solved, the most basic problem, there are still so many more to come. So many people in our lives to handle, I probably wouldn't be able to find the energy to handle all that.

Sometimes I wonder, couldn't we have met at a different time? Or is the whole purpose of it meeting at this time and that right here, right now, its the right time? Maybe if we never met now, we wouldn't have reacted the way we did. Do u think so? All these ideology about life, are they all created to make ordinary people like us feel more emo and movie-star-lifestyle-like or is it really real? So many questions that I ask myself each day, but not one day do I feel that I'm closer to finding the answers to my many questions.

I really really want someone I can communicate with. To me, communication is everything. Being able to communicate means being comfortable in my own skin, not putting on an act for you or me or anyone else for that matter. I'm not gonna say I like something when I don't, or say I don't mind something when I do. Communication to me, is being able to tell you 'hey! your nose is big and ugly!' and not worrying about hurting you when I do, telling you 'u know, sometimes I really feel vulnerable and weak' and not feeling afraid that u might take advantage of that or laugh at me for feeling that way.

Of cos, there might be little things about u that I might not like. But I might grow to be comfortable with it next time? I don't know. I only know, what happened that day just makes my mind wonder back all the time... makes me wonder if it was meant to be.

2007-10-31T23:15:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, things seem alot clearer after we've talked it out, and I do feel some sort of a sense of relief. Really, its been like a roller coaster ride the past week. I believe I've never felt this torn or confused, so torn between what's right and what's wrong. Its all a matter of perspective, really. What's right to everyone may not be right to me. And vice versa. Its pretty ironic, really.

"For the first time in 3 years, I can say that I love someone more than I love frisbee. And you know, I really really love frisbee..."

Wow. Yes, that's quite something.

That day, I saw a girl with a physical walking disability walking out of a cafe. There was a step, and she missed and few onto the ground. Her mum was beside her, and she said:

"I told you there is a step there right??? Why did u fall down????? I told you there is a step there right???????"

The increasing number of ? represents her voice volume-o-metre. All unbashfully said while watching her daughter sprawled on the ground without offering a helping hand. It was the cafe staff that helped her up. I feel sorry for the girl, I really do.

I said, life really isn't fair. Some people are just borned fucked up into fucked up families. So we have to appreciate what we already have. And someone said, yea that's right.

That got me thinking. So should I appreciate what I already have and not ask for more, ask for change, ask for progression? Should I not take the chance, not venture into the unknown, not give up all I have going for me? Should I...?

We SHOULD be happy with what we already have. We SHOULD be satisfied and not ask for more. We SHOULD do this, we SHOULD do that.

My question is this: But why SHOULD I? Why should I not change when changing would make me happier? Why do I hesitate and hold back when I know its no longer the same? Why am I procrastinating in my search for contentment?

I've came up with my solution. Because I'm a rat. And RATS are scared of cats. Rats are scared of lots of things. and that includes the pain of having the tail chopped off when stealing food from gourmet kitchens. But most of all, rats are scared of the unknown. They always venture out at night in dark alleys when they think no one can spot them. But they're wrong..Rat catchers are EVERYWHERE. Traps!!! Cats!!!! Everywhere!!! (ok, I really can't see where this para is going, I really side-tracked for awhile)

Ok. My solution? Cos I'm like the rat above. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of what lies ahead, a place I've never travelled before. I'm scared of other things, like other ratty gossips. And senior rats nagging. I'm scared of my inability to adapt to other ratty strangers and conditions. Most of all, I'm scared of the inconsistency of this elusive little thing called love.

Tell me. Is this just my own insecurity?

2007-10-28T17:04:00.000+08:00

This is my Ultimate Frisbee team! They're a bunch of really really fun dudes, and I've never regretted the day I joined SIMUltimate. Thats us with the SMU Frisbee banner, we're champions!!!

Thats us, in our orange attire, half way through the game cos the other team was wearing white. I think we look soooo cool in orange! Maybe...just maybe, one day I'll have an official orange jersey too... I'll work hard for it!

So unglam!!!!! Hahahahaha...... I *lurb* u guys!

Half-time prep. We were drained, dirty, muddy, tired, dehydrated, u name it. BUT! We stuck together! *big smile*

Another prep talk, we progress and we win, as a team! (ya, the shortie next to the muddiest one is me hahaha)

Thats all for the Ulty updates.

I promise I'll find a way, I promise I'll make it up to you. There's been too many things I've found out recently that has made me think twice and more. Thank you for everything, and your faith. Just wanna let you know, that entry really did touch me. You know who u are. Thank you.

2007-10-27T18:38:00.000+08:00

These days, its been kinda quiet.
Cos i've been feeling pretty speechless lately.

When chances come by, do u pick them up or do u just stop, wait, and let them pass you by? As you deliberate on what to do, there is someone else out there, deliberating on what u would choose to do. As u ponder, there is someone else out there pondering upon the same thing.

7 months...nearing 8 months. Its not a short period of time. So many things have happened, good and bad. There's definitely memories to hold onto, so much that it hurts to let go. Beyond memories, what else can there be? The future maybe?

I wish I could be surer and clearer of what lies in the future. This way, it would be better for me, you, and everyone else. In my heart, I am leaning towards a side, I can feel it. But in my mind, I question over and over again, the consequences and obstacles that lie ahead. I can say, its not gonna be less than what I'm facing now.

I'm now standing at a crossroad, with zero sense of direction. Someone, guide me a way.

2007-10-24T23:08:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling so bloody moody and disgusted right now.

usually i repulse when a stranger or someone i dont like touches me, even if its just brushing against my arm in the train, i will just recoil.
yuck yuck yuckssssss.

i cant help thinking about it but i feel so disgusted whenever i do. i really hate those bloody morons. have nothing better to do than to dereive fun from someone else's misery. yuck yuck yuckssssssssssss.

DISGUSTED.

the next time, i'll make sure i never fall asleep on the bus or train ever again.

2007-10-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

I've chanced upon an interesting blog recently, one written by a former opposition party member.

Beats me why, but politics is something that's becoming more and more interesting to me. I love reading the Straits Times, critisizing the ST articles. Remember the recent post, with 8 in 10 ST readers saying that ST is important in their lives? They report it like its a big achievement.

Read the words carefully my dears. 80% of readers, not 80% of Singaporeans. Obviously, if u're already reading something, u've got to think its impt thats why u're even bothering spending time on reading it right? If not, u wouldn't even be reading it would u?? AND, I must say that saying ST is impt to my life doesnt necessarily mean that I think ST's a great paper and reports stuff I find is of educational value to me. If i had been polled in that survey, I would say, Yea!!! ST is definitely important in my life!! Know why?

Cos I can't wait to find out each and everyday what new tricks the ones up there have up their sleeves. I can't wait to see what's hogging the front page. I can't wait to find out what new excuses the transport minister has to say about the NEW fare hikes. I can't wait to discover what the longest reigning minister in Singapore has to say about how his team of talented, uncorrupted, high-paid bunch of fellow ministers contribute to the continuing peace, prosperity and progress in Singapore.

Yea, thats why ST is so important a read in my life.

Is ST important to u?

2007-10-15T17:15:00.000+08:00

Its been such a long time since I've felt like writing. There hasnt been much for me to write about anyway!

But recently, I've come into contact with something that has once again spark off that passion in me, something that I enjoy doing, something that I wanna share with the people around me, hoping they share the passion too! Hehe come come ask me what it is!! Ask me ask me!!!

Ultimate Frisbee is really an interesting sport! But sadly, not many of my friends know about it, even if they do, they just aren't that interested. But I tell u, its really a muddy sport leh. Its my first time playing such a dirty sport, and I amaze myself. Piang eh, I've never been so dirty before la, its kinda cool. *giggle*

Oh and I'm so happy with my new boots!! I didnt even get any blisters, its amazing!! Love it love it!!! And I think i wanna grow my hair again... should I? Sigh, now kinda regret chopping it off leh, I took so long to grow it la! But then, short hair really alot cooler...and chic!! Wahahaha

And......*drum-roll* EXAMS are coming SOON!!!!!!

*Bleah*

Actually I'm a lil troubled about something right now, but it doesnt seem to be the right time to think about it now... Maybe I should just put it aside for the time being and think about it after the exams... Just that...just that I'm feeling a lil unsettled right now, u know, like there's this lump at ur throat but u dont really know what works to bring it down again...

Damn, I'm hungry again.

2007-07-16T14:28:00.000+08:00

hey guys!

is there still any one reading this boring blog? haha

well i'm in a rush for time now, will try to update soon! and maybe just revamp the whole bloody blog. keep a lookout!

for now, take care everyone and tata!

2007-04-30T21:00:00.000+08:00

i don't understand why some people are just so thick skinned. I already said i don't wanna have any contact with u, why do u JUST NOT GET IT??

maybe your eyesight's not good enough, so maybe your english standard is just like shit.

whatever it is i'm simply not interested. just get out of my life!!!

2007-04-18T13:39:00.000+08:00

Hello!

I know i've not updated for the longest time... excuses excuses, i could come up with loads of them. Oh well, i've decided i won't. I was simply lazy and unmotivated to update. Good enough reasons?

The past month has been a busy and crazy one. Handing in of assignments and project, which was very nearly late. By some stroke of luck, it wasn't. Oh well, i know its boring and so be it. I'm not obliged to entertain anyone, just ranting along like i always do. Oh well.
Very sian these days. Damn sian. Wanna have a long long break away from Singapore. I will soon. Very soon. Just can't wait for it to happen. I really hate exams u know... like r e a l l y. Sucks leh. To the core!

Wa lau i tell u, i cant wait to get out of school. school is so unfulfilling!! i wanna work! i feel so much more satisfaction when working. sigh. i wanna grow up faster. but then, i wanna be a kid too. i'm in delusion. in a dilemma. in a confused state of mind, which according to my tuition kid, means that i am crazy. to which i told him,"rubbish!"

someone told me recently that he envies me. he said that i always seem to have things flowing smoothly for me. esp when it comes to r/s. i told him he must be in a confused state of mind, a.k.a. crazy. crazzzzziness leh. flow smoothly? i dont know anyone else who maybe has more turbulations when it comes to matters of the heart. which is why i dont let such things affect or bother me anymore. cos when u've already been through something once, going through it again it just like 'take 2', 'take 3' and so it goes on. repetitive and monotonous.

yet again recently, i came together with someone. a good friend u might say. now we're no longer friends. once more, i felt that life had some happiness. something to smile about when u wake up in the morning. something and someone to look forward to. just to think then smile about like a goon-du u know? but then, deep down u know its just as fragile. cos it makes u feel just as vulnerable. not a nice feeling at all i feel.

u know, sometimes u just wonder if u're doing it right.

2007-03-06T23:06:00.000+08:00

honestly, i cant remember how love is supposed to feel like.

or have i even known love in the first place? i dont know..it seems like something so distant and unreal that it doesnt even belong to my world.

what is love? when u feel happy? excited? little spouts of surprises? desire? lust? or simply that need to reaffirm that someone needs u?

i dont know man.

i'm supposed to have fallen in love each time i said yes. each time i went into a relationship. but if that is true, how the heck could i have fallen in love so many god damn times? it just doesnt sound right, does it?

when u say 'i love u', what does that really mean?

i just want a true friendship. a real friend. someone that shows concern, patience, tolerance and a little cranky side of him. someone i can depend on, someone who wants to depend on me too. someone with similar aspirations of not settling for a hdb flat cos i hate taking lifts. someone with fine taste in life. someone who is crazy about food like i am. someone who knows how to make me laugh, calm me down, and then make me laugh again. very hard to find right?

2007-01-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

Guys, check this out. One of the most entertaining pieces of articles I've ever read with an insightful vindication of how we've been fed to believe what we believe today.

Fantasically eye opening, inspirationally awesome.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Singapore. Break the law now.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I say break the law now. This certainly may be an unacceptable statement in most other circumstances, even a criminal one, but in the case of Singapore, I say it, and say it deliberately. I am not referring to laws such as murder and other violations which are criminal by any standards. I am referring to Lee's unjust laws, politically motivated laws to silence dissent, laws intended to keep Lee and his family in perpetual political grip over Singapore, such unjust laws as requiring a permit to speak in public where even if applied for by a political opponent will automatically be denied, laws such as requiring a permit to assemble which again is automatically denied when applied for by the opposition, unjust laws such as requiring a permit to form an association which is a means to keep surveillance on all political activities, all the unjust illegal laws enacted for the political advantage of the dictator Lee Kuan Yew and his family.

Dr. Chee has correctly quoted Gandhi and Martin Luther King having said that there are just laws and unjust laws and that it is the right of a free man, nay not just right, but his bounden duty to break that law and in doing so, in breaking that law, he is in fact being even more law abiding than another who complies with them.

There is no doubt on it. Lee stays in power by breaking laws. He shows such disdain and arrogance over his fellow citizens that he feels he can do anything and get away with it.

The pillars of any state are it's public institutions such as the judiciary, the civil service, the military, the police force, the media, the education system. These institutions need to be kept strong and independent for a country to continue to thrive and advance, but in Singapore, Lee has deliberately denied these institutions to function independently under the rule of law, making each of these institutions weak and entirely beholden to him and him alone. These are clearly illegal acts in violation of the law which has undermined the stability and strength of the country so much so that Singapore is turning into a failed republic before one's very eyes.

He has blatantly interfered with the independance of the judiciary, requiring judges to use their office not to administer the rule of law, but to destroy his political opponents. From the early 1970s till date the list of his victims at the hands of his enforcers in the judiciary goes on. JB Jeyaretnam, the former opposition politician repeatedly sued, charged with criminal offenses, thrown in jail, stripped of lawyer's license, forced to pay millions of dollars in illegal court awards and impoverished.

Mr. Tang Lian Hong, charged and sued for criminal and civil cases of defamation after the 1988 general elections, made to pay millions of dollars, bankrupted and hounded out of the country to Australia where he now lives. Mr. Francis Seow similarly dealt with, arrested detained and tortured by the dreaded Internal Security Department beaten, battered and assaulted with serious injuries, then released, for him only to escape to the United States to avoid further beatings, all because he contested the elections against Lee as he was entitled to do. The Marxist Conspirators, so labelled by Lee, 12 civic minded citizens who dared to speak against Lee between 1987 and 1988. Again, they were arrested severely tortured with sleep deprivation and other criminalities, detained for many days, beaten, their confessions obtained under torture, publicly made to confess as being communists and released. I can go on but I will stop. Lee is guilty of breaking the law. The law that makes it illegal to interfere in the independence of the judiciary.

Lee breaks the law by illegally interfering in the independence of the civil service. The civil service is required to carry out their work in accordance with the rule of law in fairness to all under the constitution. But they cannot do it, because Lee requires the civil service to be used as an instrument to oppress and destroy his political opponents. The Official Assignees office ensures Lee's opponents unable to pay Lee's unjust court awards are bankrupted and dealt with very harshly while others are dealt with leniently. Opposition politicians who become bankrupt find it impossible to discharge their bankruptcies and will remain so for life. Since bankrupts cannot contest elections, Lee uses bankrupting his opponents as a means to prevent them from challenging him ever. JB Jeyaretnam who has been bankrupted by Lee has never got out of it. He will die a bankrupt. He is 82 years old.

Dr. Chee has been sued, ordered to pay half a million dollars and being unable to pay has been made a bankrupt. And what did he do? All he did was to ask Lee Kuan Yew as to why he paid Dr. Suharto, the former Indonesian dictator, 17 million dollars and under what authority did he do it. I think he also told Mr. Goh Chok Tong, the former prime minister that he could run but may not be able to hide. Statements completely innocuous and normal in any other country. But under the instructions of Lee Kuan Yew, the Singapore judges beholden to him obediently turned it around and made it defamatory and criminal, ordering Dr. Chee to pay a mammoth crippling half a million dollars to Lee Kuan Yew and friends and unable to pay, he has been bankrupted by Lee's civil servants.

Lee has made the police force directly answerable to him. At his orders, they arrest anyone and everyone, harass them, keep surveillance on them, tail them, and make it very difficult for anyone who challenges Lee.

You can therefore see that Singapore's public institutions have lost credibility and their self respect and have been discredited, brought into ridicule and contempt. Recently, in the High Court of Canada, a Canadian company Evernorth have filed suit to prevent the enforcement of a Singapore court judgment against them in Canada, because they claim, and quite rightly so, that the Singapore courts are corrupt and the corruption vitiated the validity of the award. See Oakwell vs Evernorth. These public institutions such as the courts, have lost their fairness and are no longer bound by the rule of law, beholden only to Lee and his personal family members and friends. These are illegal acts of interference by Lee Kuan Yew and his family and friends. Lee Kuan Yew runs Singapore by personal decree. Singapore is no longer run by the rule of law by independent public institutions.

We also know that that under Saddam Hussein, Iraq was run, not by rule of law, but by his personal decrees. He removed and destroyed his opponents by requiring his judges to punish and put to death his political opponents. Lee Kuan Yew does the same. The only difference is one of degree. He tortures his opponests while under detention by sleep deprivation and other brutalities, but stops short of killing them. Only a question of degree. But the political climate is similar in both countries. People dare not criticise, lest they are arrested tortured, charged sued and bankrupted. Example, JB Jeyaretnam and Dr. Chee Soon Juan.

In this climate where Lee Kuan Yew feels he is at liberty anytime to break the law any time he wants, it is about time you took those liberties. And the reality is that if you do not take those liberties and intentionally break these unjust laws, then you can be certain as the sun rises tomorrow, that you will never be free, you will never enjoy a democracy, you will be forever ruled by this dictator and his family, you will never be able to express yourself freely, you will forever only read propaganda, you will never be able to congregate and discuss views as free men. In short you will die as slaves, which you are now anyway.

So I say this to you now. There is no shame in breaking unjust laws. There is nothing illegal in peaceful protest. It is your right as free men. So go ahead and apply for a permit to hold a peaceful protest. When you receive the notice from the government refusing you that permit, which you invariably will receive, write to them that you intend to break that law and break it and hold that protest anyway. They will arrest you but in the eyes of the world, they will look very small.

In the end, you will undoubtedly win and they will lose. Only in this way, by deliberately breaking unjust laws, and telling them in no uncertain terms that you intend to do it, that you will be able to bring about change to your country Singapore.

Lou Thia Khiang and Chiam See Tong will not be able to bring about any change by asking questions, merely for the sake of asking.

Gopalan Nair
39737 Paseo Padre Parkway, Suite A1Fremont, CA 94538, USA
Tel: 510 657 6107
Fax: 510 657 6914
EMail: goplanair@us-immigrationlaw.com

2007-01-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

I didn't meet him.

Its probably that's it.

Yea.

That's it.

2007-01-03T03:22:00.000+08:00

Its now 3.21am.

I've heard from cheeyong he's leaving.
I've heard from clem he's leaving.

28 July..Seems like such a long time ago since I was sitting on that bench.

I remember I was wearing that Anna Sui shirt and flip flops, and he, his usual burms. I never thought that I might take it so seriously one day knowing that it was just a try. Just a try. Only a try.

He left. On Sept 12. He came back. On Dec 10.

I've heard so much about him from the ones around me. What do I really think? What do I really know... is it enough to sustain me... and us?

The only possession I have of him, is the precious few photos, the little black book, and the jaguar. Till this day, these are the only things I have. But thats enough. I don't ask for more. I only ask for less tears, less pain. And less emotion when it comes to you.

If only.... if only I hadn't met you. If only.

Each time I go to east coast, inevitably, its you.
Each time I go past Siglap Centre, its you again.
Each time I see Starbucks, its you.
Each time I cry, its you again.
Each time I try to hide my little black book, I take it out again.
Each time I tell myself to be angry, I lose.

I've lost this battle. As badly as I've ever had. The battle inside of me that I never wanted to start.

I hug jaggy... though the months. Wishing u were back here. And now that u are, its more distant than ever. Why does it have to be this way, why does it have to hurt so much?

I put on a front in front of my mum, telling her its for the better. I know... I had to. For you, I'd have promised anything, everything. I wld have done all I could have, if only u let me. Everyone tells me its wrong, we were just not meant to be. Do I know? Maybe. I don't know.

I do know. I know it hurts like hell. Like shit. Like crap. Like fuck.

Where are u going to be hours from now? On the plane back to the states. Leaving me. This time, its for good. I'm not going to send u off this time, cos this time, there's no little black book, there's no more longing, there's no more anything.

Me me me. Its all about me. Have I been like that all along? I don't wanna be just about me anymore. Its about you too. Its about you and me. Us.

I know you just wanna move on. I know I should too. But I admit, I can't now. Not right now, not at this moment, when thinking about you just makes me feel this way.

I thought back, long and hard. The beginning was sweet, departure and longing was still sweet. You know that when I go to the gym and run on the treadmill, I listen to the song and envision you at the far far distance in front of me? I mustnt give up! I will run cos u'd be waiting for me. Now even though I know how stupid that was and how naive I've been, it doesnt change anything. When I run, somehow its always towards you, not away from you.

Just how stupid is this? Plain stupidity. Go on, thats right, laugh at me. Stupid dumb dumb who's always laughing at some stupid girl for crying over another stupid guy. I'm a lousy freak who acts damn bravo. Bloody hell.

I'm sick of acting strong. Like it didnt matter. I does matter and I will face up to it. Why should I be ashamed that I care so much? Why should I feel embarassed that I feel hurt you decided its over? I don't have too, I'm done with pretence. I'm hurt, real bad. And I know it. And I admit it. Maybe this is the first step to recovery.

The things between us, I only hope you still remember bits and pieces here and there. Maybe one day, memories will fade and eventually be gone, but I still hold the little book close to me, to my heart. Pls hold our memories... thats all thats left.

I hope to see you... for just one last time before u're gone. Will I?

2006-10-28T23:58:00.000+08:00

Angry angry angry

Very angry angry angry

Angry until cannot eat

Cannot laugh

Cannot sulk

Cannot sleep

Angry until wanna smack everyone I see

I so angry, u better stay away from me

Or I will smack you!

Get lost!

2006-10-28T23:55:00.000+08:00

2006-10-12T22:49:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling down. Its a time for reflection.

Everything that has gone through in my life, everything that I ever went through, everything I thought I ever had, it all seems like a dream. A delusion. Did it happen, did it not happen?

Had a talk.

Suddenly, everything seems so wrong. Have I been doing my part for the past few years of my life?

I suddenly realise how selfish I've been.

All the wrong I ever did.

Will I ever be able to make amends?

Will I ever be able to face up to who I really am?

2006-10-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

Ooooooooo wat a beautiful song!

Luurrrrrrrvvveeeeeeeeeee it!!!

I wan I wan... I want crystal paperweight rose. So nice!!!

And I need to send a parcel soon. But so ex! I am gonna be ssoooooooo broke. =(

Why is everyone in the States???

Boyfriend
Brother
Cousin

Come back come back all of uuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!

*groans* buay tahan

Alot to study leh. Head very pain. And everyone's at Chinese Garden playing with lanterns now!! haha... EXCEPT me. Have fun ok guys!!! Really don't feel like going la, too far already!! And my deep dark secret: I don't eat mooncakes. hur hur hur

Arrrggghhhhhhh.

Help Help. Thoughts are very jumbled up. Very confusing. Even my entry looks confusing. Total reflection of my state of mind.

HELP!!!

2006-09-30T02:17:00.000+08:00

Ahhhhhhh

Its been 3 weeks since Gy left for the states... it feels pretty long already! Like months somehow... and I'm kinda used to life without his physical presence already.

Haha.. this is seriously damn weird la. Are all LDRs like this? Actually I think we're not too bad already, we talk almost everyday, I get into my weird moods and he can still tolerate. haha..i think given 2 months before, he prolly would have rolled his eyes or something. ha ha ha.

I do treasure what we share. Kinda special yet unique and like there's this mutual understanding between us. Not bad. I do miss him.

Come back soon! Count down: 10 weeks

2006-09-20T02:08:00.000+08:00

I'm a lil sad now...

Need a hug. Anyone wants to give me one?

2006-09-15T12:29:00.000+08:00

I am feeling moody.

Very very moody.

Don't feel like doing anything, don't feel like moving, don't feel like talking, not even to Gy.

Angry with myself.

Why like that. Retribution.

I don't ever want to see you ever again.

Stay far far away from me.

2006-09-13T00:16:00.000+08:00

That's it! Gy's back to the states already!

I sent him off at the airport, and he passed me the little black book. I read it. Its so sweet hun, really. Guess he expresses himself better in writing! Bon voyage alright!

You'll be missed. haha... Cy fighting with me to see who will miss you more, honoured not???
*hugs* I think I win hands down. ha ha ha

See you in dec sweets, thanks for coming back, I really appreciate it!

2006-09-09T21:17:00.000+08:00

I fell down!!!

Argh!!!

Cannot cannot...must complain. Very angry. Very pissed.

Bloody Red House Restaurent at East Coast Park!!!

Boycott!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY.

I AM DISFIGURED!!!

*GROWLS*

knnccb.

2006-09-04T13:19:00.000+08:00

I just finished watching the entire series of One litre of tears.

Ok I know I'm supposed to study but hey com'on! Life is not all about grades right? It is such a thought provoking film that I am inspired to be a better person after this. I am so touched! Aya is really such a very strong girl, and her relationship with her guy... touches me to the core.

Watching this film reminded me of Patrina, my secondary school classmate who passes away earlier this year. I cried at her wake, because I felt guilty. I felt so guilty for not keeping in touch, for not even knowing that she was ill, for not visiting her, and for only seeing her after so many years when she couldn't talk to me anymore. When I saw photos of her through her life in Dunman High and through her illness, it really struck a chord in my heart. Just like Aya, why must the disease choose her? Just like Aya, she had a wonderful guy by her side. It really touched me beyond words seeing how he stayed by the coffin, carefully wiping away dust from the glass panel, the way he looked at her... It is wonderful to have loved so deeply, through pain and sickness. How many of us are really able to achieve that?

I strive to be a better person. I want to be less mean to the people around me. I strive to find redeeming qualities about them, and not regret when they leave me for good. I want to be able to lift up my head and say I did my best, I put in my best, I have no regrets. For my friends.. my lost friends, I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to lie on. To those that I've kept in touch through the years... thank you. I know I'm not an easy person to put up with, but from this moment, I will try to be the best friend to you than I ever was. I will do my best, hold back my impatience and arrogance and attitude. I will do my best to give you the happiest moments together, to laugh, to chatter, to giggle, to poke fun, to cry.

I love you guys so much. My true friends. Those who will always be there for me. I really really love you. Thank you for everything, putting up with my nonsense through the years. Thank you.

*touched and smiles as a tear drops*

2006-09-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

I just realised my blog's a year old!

Happy birthday Dawn Potter! ha ha ha

I was quite a good girl today, did some work, took a nap. Then went out for dinner with Richard Chia and meet Gy after that! Heh dun ask me why I call him by full name. Habit la.

Eh my hair getting thinner leh. How ah...................................................

2006-09-03T01:15:00.000+08:00

*i'm feeling like a lil girl now, so must write like one too*

I went for house warming at my Auntie Susan's place today! She bought a new condo in Ang Mo Kio, and its a pretty sweet and cosy place! Very nicely deocrated, so pretty! And she has 3 huge plasmas in her house! haha...thats the perks of being single and rich man. Can do anything you want!

I like my aunt alot. She was always the one that organised birthday parties for me since young. Always the one that asks us what we like for birthdays and christmas and getting us whatever we wanted. She spoils us to the core. I think she does that cos she has no children of her own. Sigh. My aunt very nice right? And today she gave me a Longines watch cos she said she only gave me 2 bears for my 21st birthday last year. Sigh.

I love u Aunt Susan! *hugs tight tight*

Met Gy with joyce and cy today at Cheesecake cafe. Joyce said can see Gy is nicer to me now. *grins* I like him when he's nice.

I'm looking at my watch now. Look left look right, doesn't look that expensive. Brands puzzle me. They blind people's accuracy of the actual value of something. Right?

I wanna be a little girl forever if I can be loved and pampered like that always.

2006-09-02T02:45:00.000+08:00

Just finished watching episode 8 of One Litre of Tears from youtube.

My god. Its damn damn touching. Just go youtube and type in "One Litre of Tears". Watch it all the way from episode 1. You will find yourself treasuring your health and the people around you so much more!

Its in Japanese with English subtitles. And it makes it so much more heartwrenching cos the lead actress is so pretty! My gosh. I started crying every episode since episode 5. Thanks Chuantian, for recommending me the show!

A quick update now.

Gy's heading back to the states in less than 2 weeks time. Which means my time with him is very limited! Plus I've having 2 impt tests next week which I've yet to really study for. Not looking good at all. I should be working harder instead of watching those shows! Shit. Chuantian!! Why u recommend me that show b4 my tests?!?! haha, the irony of it all.

And I'm hungry again. My tummy is growling! Shit. But I'm on a diet. For the 1st time in my life. What the hell. Pls don't come ask me how much I weigh. I will smack you.

Show some photos la.

This is my beloved OG group from TJ. Quite rare to have remained close for so long right? So it remains one of my most treasured group of friends. Chrong Meng is missing from this family!

Oh. And Yuhui heading back to the states too. Sigh, one more missing member till next year.

The Belles of our OG group!
From Left: Shilin, Jiahui and Me!!!

*how come our smiles look the same. must be been hanging out too much together already. ha ha ha*

This U.S. guy, whole life acting yandao. Gotcha shot still must pose.

Please come back soon so I can win your money at mahjong again!! Wahahaha.

Tell u also won't believe. Guess how much we lost to Clement the idiot that day man!!

I lost $27 and Yuhui lost $22!!!!

What the hell right?!? Clemy won $49 from us!!! Wa lau. Durian Clemy, D-U-R-I-A-N!!!

Clemy don't run away. Yuhui swears he's coming back next year for revenge. HA HA HA.

This is Gy.

The one who has a wonderful ability to piss me off every other minute and still act innocent and ask me why the hell I'm so pissed off.

Blooooody hell.

Oh. And I think Gy+ Dawn+Sentosa=Jinxed.

Everytime go there also rain. Wat the hell. Buy 4D also not so zun.

Want some background info on him? This one is another made-in-singapore but wanna make-it-big-in-U.S.-kid. Strangely intellectual but sensitivityly challenged. Oh whatever. Just means he's immune to alot of things. But when it comes to work, wa lau, don't pray pray man. One serious dude.

Ok. Sian liao. Tired. Wanna know anything else can ask me. Goodnight!

2006-08-19T01:20:00.000+08:00

I am happy today!

Wonderful dinner and choc fondue!! I love it!

So glad everything went well... *hugs*!

2006-08-16T22:37:00.000+08:00

KNN

Wa lau, damn fucking alot of work to do leh!

I don't understand la, reference list is just a reference list, follow what format?? Kns, follow format also this list, don't follow format also this list, why be so neh-neh about it?!?

Fuck la.

Damn bad mood now.

U! Better piss off. Wa lau. Don't come near me.

Fucking irritating.

I felt happy for a few days, then now its back to square one. I JUST KNEW IT LEH.

Happiness overload, now I'm paying for it. AGAIN.

Fuck la.

2006-08-12T22:25:00.000+08:00

Just when you thought that life was perfect and couldn't get better, everything comes tumbling down.

Family
Boyfriend
Work
Life.

The mystery that surrounds life never fails to amaze me. Or amuse me. Or whatever.

Please let me live an easy life, don't you think I've suffered enough?

All those quarrels, all those restrictions, all those fights, everything. All those failed relationships.

I am tired of failing, I just don't want to fail anymore. I keep trying, keep trying and trying........ and trying.

So many wrong moves I've made in my life. So many obstacles, they don't seem to end. They grow lesser, but its momentary, it was meant to make me feel good, better, before letting me feel the full blast of it all. Don't cheat me like that. I don't like to be cheated. Cheated of life.

Just let it come, once and for all. Throw me hell, bring it on. I shall face it as brave as I can, I promise. I will not dodge. I will face it like a man. Like a lady. Like a... whatever.

I'm tired of everything. Immune.

2006-08-10T22:05:00.000+08:00

I need a little time to think things through, whether this is just a dream or something more.

We met under such coincidental circumstances over a cup of mango smoothie, and he offered it to me. I thought he looked pretty studious, but quite smiley all the same. When I look at him now, weird, I don't know what I'm thinking.

His good looks, his attitude, his seriousness, his shyness, everything.

I feel quite different about him now.

Is the attraction real or just a passing phase? I can't even answer that question right now. The more I know about him, I should be more intrigued, I should want to find out even more.

But why, I really don't understand why. He is so difficult to understand, or is it just me? Am I out of the dating game already? Or maybe guys just see me as a piece or meat, a challenge that once conquered, loses its value?

No I didn't sleep with him, if that's what you're thinking.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being tied down. I want to be loved, to be pampered. But I don't feel this way, not at all. If I give up something, I expect something in return. But what?

I need to reconsider my options. Carefully.

Is it even going to make a difference to you if I'm with you or not? It sure doesn't feel like it will. Maybe singlehood is the best afterall.

So what if you're really a good catch? I'm the wrong fisherman, I mean, fisherwoman.

2006-08-09T23:41:00.000+08:00

Happy National Day!

I bought a new bright blue bikini today! Looks pretty nice, I like it! Gy chose it cos he said he likes blue... *ahhh*

Spent almost the whole day at the park in the east, its like my second home now. Funny, I don't even remember spending much time in east coast b4 this year. I met wx today, and it was nice meeting him. Still sweet, still concerned, but just friends. I really appreciate everything he's done for me, and how he shows me he still cares. He was upset to see me like this, and it felt good to be in his arms for that little while, to feel that warmth.

Gy, I think he's just like this, and he'll prolly be like this forever. How to change a guy's attitude, anyone knows, please let me know. I treat you to milo dinosaur! Life time supply ok.

Please just put in abit more effort if u wanna sustain la, ok? Abit tired of repeating myself already, I'm becoming a naggy old granny! I dun wanna be a granny!

Arrrggh, the noodles tonight was good though. At the Hongkong Cafe at Katong, the one near Telok Kurau. I had beef noodles! The prices are pretty steep though! I am broke. = (

Arghhhh.

I wanna bite YOU.

2006-07-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

hi!

Hmm... sky still bright? ha ha... I'm not making sense now am I?

Alright. Suddenly inspired, I wanna share some stuff!

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep?
When we cry?
When we imagine?
When we kiss?
This is because the most beautiful thing in the world is unseen.
We are all a little weird
and life's a little weird
and when we find someone
whose weirdness is comparible with ours
we join up with them
and fall in mutual weirdness
and call it love.
Happiness lies for those who cry
those who hurt
those who have searched
and those who have tried
For only they can appreciate
the importance of the people
who have touched their lives.
Somehow along the course of life
you learn about yourself and realise
there should never be regrets,
only a lifelong appreciation
of the choices you've made.
Loving is not about how you forget
but how you forgive
not how you listen
but how you understand
not what you see
but how you feel
not how you let go
but how you hold on.

Isn't it beautiful?

2006-07-22T21:34:00.000+08:00

WA LAU EH!

I am kan du lan.

You are really the MOST obnoxious guy I've ever met in my entire life. 'Nuff said. I have no idea how you live your life thinking how u're the greatest thing alive.

I cannot even BEGIN to understand how bloody superficial you are. You are the lowest of the low. And I don't want you to be my friend. Go away!

Honestly, true to my heart, you have ZERO idea how to treat a lady and your level of EQ is like.. ZERO.

So what if you have the best of everything? Do you have to go round announcing that? Bloody hell. Do you see Bill Gates' son going round telling everyone "Hey look!!! I'm bloody rich!!! Come worship me!!!" Wa lau. Du lan. You're not anywhere close to being Bill Gates' butler's servant's son!!! OK?!?!?

Get away from me.

Enough said.

On the other hand, I met someone nice today.

May be seeing him again tomorrow, we shall see!

2006-07-21T23:13:00.000+08:00

I am so A-N-G-R-Y now.

I got bitten by a bug!!! And its bugging me up till now. And the worst thing is, I can find him. I'm so so certain ITS a HIM, cos' its a bloody jerk cum bastard.

Wanna know why?

Cos ONE full week later, the wound is still there, and its GROWING BIGGER by the day. Tell me, how disgusting is that?!?

Wa lau, bite my hand not enough, got to go kiss my face. My F-A-C-E ok!!! Wa lau no joke ok. Its a bloody monster, thats what it is.

I'm really getting abit scared now, cos it still hasn't healed after a week and there's no signs of it wanting to heal. I don't know if its some kind of infection. Decided to observe for another 2-3 days, and if it persists, I'm gonna see a doc.

I need to eat more fruits and drink more water.

Ok, end of this boring borrrring entry.

A-N-G-R-Y.

2006-07-20T16:45:00.000+08:00

Arghhhh. Growl.

*bite bite bite*

I am so finished with you.

Maybe I should feel glad for you, but maybe I'm just not magnanimous enough to do so.
Ok ok... *huge sigh* Feel glad for you la ok, just don't pop in front of me and scare me again.

Abit immune right now... I need a break. A fulfilling break.

*hugs myself*

Work is good, school is not too bad.

*Bite Growl Bite Growl*

I'm turning into an animal. An animal who listens to ipod. heh heh.

And I found my new love too, show you pictures next time!

For now...lets see what I can share:

I look like I'm kissing him right.
I wasn't la, stupid game they made us play.

Look at this man.
Even more scandalous than mine.
I'm so gonna get whacked up when these 2 ever find out my blog and see this.
Heh heh.
Eh u guys better co-operate and hush-hush if u wanna see more juicy photos ok.

Poor guy at the bottom.
Damn power la!

Esther's 21st!
Look at that pretty babe... *hugs*
She looked sooooo pretty that night!

Cute right??
This dog is like damn sticky to me la!
Milky!!!
Damn adorable, I love her!

I'm going korea!!
Ok I'm back from Korea. Wth. My lips were like cracking over there, trust me, u wouldn't wanna feast on the ugly sight.

Pretty boy.
But I don't like pretty boys... I like my men to be M-E-N.
You know?
The kind that makes me swoon, not the kind that makes me go "oooooo!!!!! sooooooo cuteeeee!!!!"

2006-07-03T21:14:00.000+08:00

I got this from my cousin Benson's blog. Kinda cool!

This poem "The Furthest Distance In The World" is written by an indian poet named Rabindranath Tagore. The english version goes.

--------------

The furthest distance in the world
is not between life and death
but when i stand in front of you
yet you dont know that
i love you.
The furthest distance in the world
is not when i stand in front of you
yet you can't see my love
but when undoubtedly knowing the love from both
yet cannot be together
The furthest distance in the world
is not being apart while being in love
but when plainly cannot resist the yearning
yet pretending
you have never been in my heart
The furthest distance in the world
is not
but using one's indifferent heart
to dig an un-crossable river
for the one who loves you.

2006-06-19T15:42:00.000+08:00

Life... its so simple, yet so complicated

Its an irony, its an oyxmoron..

its filled with love, sorrow, spectrum of feelings...

the fear of lost, parting...

the fear of losing someone you treasure...

the feeling...so indescribable, it hurts to even try.

Brought back by memories, thoughts that haunt the past...

Haunt the present, affects the future...

Why can't life just be as simple as I want it to be?

Memories...holding onto them...should I?

To let go... if I could do it, then why do I feel this way?

Why do tears threaten to fall

when I look back in regret

Many things I've done

but never regretted

All, but you.

I'm sorry, if you could see this

I wish you understood

It was wrong of me to have moved on

without you.

You meant everything to me, then and now...

I've tried ways and means to let you know

but I've never succeeded.

I don't know how else I can express myself

I pride myself as a passionate and loving person

but when I look a you, words can't seem to come out

Tears fall

Maybe this is our fate... that it has ended

When its lost, maybe it was lost forever...

Maybe... maybe I should have given up...

Maybe I should have, but I can't, not one year on.

I still miss you.

You. and Me. and Fate.

2006-05-30T22:28:00.000+08:00

I didn't go to work today.

I went to east coast, on my own.

I sat at the jetty, all alone.

Sea breeze against my face, I stared across the horizon.

Memories washed across me, flooding my mind.

There were things I thought about.

Things I pondered upon, people I missed.

How life could have been different.

For better or worse.

I sat on the bench, alone.

The last time I was there, there was someone else.

Gazing across the horizon with me, holding my hand, talking about the future.

Who am I, to talk of the Future,

when Now seems uncertain?

I smsed someone I've not seen for a long time.

I meant everything I wrote, all of it.

For the 2nd time in a week, I cried.

At the jetty, the very same one.

I am strong now, stronger than I've ever been.

Take care.
I will.
I'm sure you're happy the way you are now.
I am.
Should we meet up some time?
I don't think I have the time to.
Oook... We're still friends?
Of cos' we are.
Well, take care?
Yes I will.
Erm, I really wish you all the best, I mean it.
Thank you.

I'm strong. Independent. Fiercely so.

I have a vision.

I just wish it can be clearer.

The unsettled feeling, wish it would go away.

I miss you, brown cow.

Stay happy.

2006-04-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

Oooohhhmmmppp!!

Its been a long time since I last felt like writing anything..I know I'm a bum. Heh!

Eh but I still feel lazy, how?

So many things have happened lately, its a madness to update!

If u wanna know, ask me k? =)

2006-03-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe

When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide

It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side

It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you

Temp jobs available!

2006-01-20T00:46:00.000+08:00

Hello people-reading-my-blog!

I'm offering a list of jobs for serious candidates, the list of requirements as below:

-between 18 and 35 years old

-is bilingual in English and Mandarin

-speaks fluently

-singaporean or permanent resident

-for NS men, PINK IC only (ORD)-pleasant looking-preferably skilled in MS word, excel, powerpoint (but if you're not, you should possess the attitude to learn on the job)

-has a cheerful and bubbly personality

-most importantly, possess a positive attitude that employers look out for!

If you think that you fit the bill, then drop me a call at 67860100 during office hours 8.30am-5.30pm, weekdays only. Look for Dawn Lim (that's me!).

I have various positions available islandwide at the moment (ranging from a few days to 9 months contract), including Admin/data-entry, Customer Service and Sales Exec.
New positions will be offered from time to time depending on my client's demands.
Most of my clients are major MNCs. As to which companies they are, information will not be revealed over the phone, and will only be revealed during the interview with me.
But don't worry, these are reputable companies that willl definitely look good on your resume should you join the workforce for good in the future.
Some of these companies are looking for temp staff that will be converted to perm staff upon good performance. So its all up to you to make it work!

If this sounds like the kind of job you want, give me a call at 67860100. I'm looking for serious candidates only, so do yourself a favour by adopting the right attitude towards finding the job you need or want today.

Some tips:

- never come dressed in a sloppy manner. (i.e. no slippers/sandels/berms/mini-skirt)

- never give mono-syllabic answers when being interviewed. it doesn't speak much about you, and you're not giving me a chance to know you better

- always smile. this is something many interviewees neglect

- come prepared. anticipate the questions that may be put forth by the interviewer, such as your career goals/views, or if you are an 'A' Level/Dip holder, questions relating to the fields you have studied or intend to pursue. being unprepared makes you look bad, and is disadvantageous towards you successfully landing a job

- always display a good attitude. you may find at times that the job available may not suit your preferences (such as being too far/ pay too low etc.), but NEVER act like the job is not good enough for you. If you feel that the job is not suitable for you, let the interviewer know in a tactful manner, and express your interest in being contacted by them should there be a vacancy to your liking.

- shake hands and thank your interviewer after every interview, whether or not you are successful in your job search. this will create a good impression for yourself and a deep impression on the interviewer. he/she is likely to remember you should there be another position available.

I think i've said more than enough dudes. All the best!

2006-01-13T01:17:00.000+08:00

'tis a time of reflection, upon my life and my future.
i look at those around me, happy they seem to be.
how many really are? i wonder.
i look at myself in the mirror. why, that girl looks so familiar
but something seems so different
she looks haggard, old, weary.

who...is that girl i see
staring back right at me
why is my reflection someone i don't know
must i pretend that i'm
someone else for all time
when will my reflection show
who i am inside...

changes in your life
hardships, obstacles
mould you into who you are today
you may be a success
or a failure
but tell me, what determines which you are?
looking at academic achievements?
or social skills?

dad thinks i'm a failure to have repeated jc
teacher thinks i'm a failure to have failed the course
mum thinks i'm a failure to disappoint her
counsellor tells me i'm a success to have gotten this far.

behind that condoning smile and twinkly eyes
i know, i can see
what he's smiling at, what's in his mind.
that i'm a failure too.
he can't say so, cos' he's suppose to counsel me
he's supposed to say i'm good and smart
that i will have wonderful achievements next time
that i will excel in the future.
he smiles and does exactly as he's supposed to
with a fat pay check waiting for him at the end of it.
he's a brilliant counsellor, that one.

some people make right choices all their lives
some people make wrong ones
some people don't get to make choices
cos' some people make choices for them.

which are you?

2005-12-20T02:47:00.000+08:00

I resolve to be a better person in the new year...

I will study hard, do my homework, be a good girl.

I will save more, spend less, whine less.

I will learn to be less selfish, less nosy, more understanding.

Sigh.

Can anyone help me?

2005-11-30T15:14:00.000+08:00

not good not good not good..............................
i only just passed java!
wth

brrrr.
better get better for my other modules.

bleah

2005-11-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

If there's Santa, then please fulfill my wishes and let me have a nice xmas cum 21st birthday.

I wanna pass my exams!!

I wanna be free from worries, at least for the holidays.

I wanna spend a wonderful holiday with my baby.

OKAY.

3 wishes, enough.

See? I'm not very greedy what. 3 only...

Com'on Santa! You can do it! For this xmas baby!!

2005-11-19T00:25:00.000+08:00

It's those who are immatured who claim to be matured all the time.

It's those who lose themselves and start to irritate others that get irritated all the time.

It's those who are stuck up and cocky that use their authority all the time.

It's those who don't appreciate the beauty of the real Dumbledore that write a review saying how good the actor was.

It's those that have nothing better to do that are complaining about the entire world like I do.

Either that, or I'm simply disillusioned.

Is the problem you, or just me?

Frankly, I prefer to think its you. I'm convinced.

2005-11-17T02:56:00.000+08:00

I'm one of the 1st people to watch Harry Potter!!!

See I sound so excited, but now, totally disappointed.

Man, go watch it yourself, don't wanna go into the details man, make me upset only.

Bleah.

Distaste.

2005-11-13T00:03:00.000+08:00

*sigh*

i miss u....

2005-11-09T02:32:00.000+08:00

Seems like I'm having pretty long breaks between posts these days. Well, in one of my moods again. Pretty stressed out these days, with project deadlines to meet, never ending workloads. This is crazy. And its only 3 modules! Good luck to those with 5.

No one but myself to blame for this, always leaving things till the last minute... ok. stop nagging la. I'm getting in a frenzy. la la la. going mad. someone save me? Superman? Mr. Incredible?

*waits in vain*

I think I'm not even making sense in my blog. Illustrates wonderfully my mental state of health.

But I'm feeling a little different though.. a little re-energised, revitalised. And maybe.. oooo...

Quite nice to feel this way once in a while. It brings back my smile, it does.

Goodnight, and good morning!

2005-10-29T01:30:00.000+08:00

Thats me and my baby!
He was so sweet... brought me a bouquet of roses all the way down from far-away Yishun, he said so many people were staring at him on the MRT. ha ha ha
*hugs*
Thanks dear!! It was so sweet of u!! Though I will seriously consider your suggestion of you folding $50 notes into flowers and giving them to me. It sound better and better by the minute. haha
And thank you for sending me home and making my day complete. I was nervous on stage, but when I saw you smiling at me, I told myself that I was performing in front of you, and thats all I need to care about... bet u didn't know that, did u?

=)

Thanks sweetheart.

Me holding my boy's flowers! Oooo and I'm eating biscuits now...nice nice!!

Thats how the back of my hair looks. Messy hor? But I think its prolly looked better earlier in the evening. This was after lots of jumping around..haha.. Pic taken by my boy in my dining room, after he sent me home. Sigh.. miss him so much now.

Alright, here's Mel, my co-emcee for the night. Haha..late nights together, correcting of scripts blah blah blah, he's a good buddy la. =) cheers dude!

Finally, last pic for the SSU awards night, taken with Chuan Yao, president of fencing club. I promised him I'll go for next friday's fencing class. haha.. Fencing cool right? I want learn! I told Weixin dun pray pray, next time I become expert I will just *swish swish swish* and his shirt will fall to bits. haha..and u know what he said?? He said he'll use his badminton racket to block. ha haha... as if its of any use. Try harder dear!

Sigh... next some more pics, of Bucky.. but he no longer stays with me... its a long story, so enjoy the pics while you can!

He loves hiding under the table, chairs, sofa blah blah.. cats are all like that hor?

*stun by the flash*

haha... He's seriously damn cute.

U know what he's doing? He stretching his body and 2 front legs. He does this alot, esp when he's about to sleep or after he wakes up from his nap. Quite funny watching him do it. I don't think he realises it looks really funny. haha

He lifting his paw to wipe his face after I sprayed some water at him. I swear he's almost human sometimes. The way he looks at you. Like he understands. Really freaky. haha

O Bucky Bucky

I miss you so

Cuddle into a ball

When the rain is there

And the wind is strong

Call out when you need help

And I'll be there for you

Use your teeny paws

To cover your ears

When u're scared of the thunder

Or run and hide

When lightning strikes

Whatever it is

U'll always be my dearest cat.

2005-10-27T00:26:00.000+08:00

Its been like what...almost 2 weeks since I last updated my blog? I dunno who reads it anymore, and frankly, I don't really care. Actually, sometimes I kinda wish that the people who read my blog are those whom I don't know and will never know. That way, I can blog in peace and get comments at the same time. Good huh? Maybe I should start keeping a secret blog known to me, me and me only.

Maybe its pms, but I've really not been feeling very happy these days. Or maybe its just me expecting too much, too sensitive, too demanding blah blah blah all over again. I don't know. U tell me. And I think I don't treat him very well either, and I dunno why. And its... its... not suppose to be this way. I've been snapping and losing my cool ever so often, I make myself sick. I feel like slapping myself, but why should I? I should do whatever I feel comfortable with, and slapping myself is not part of the equation.

Wish I could snap out of this. Its making me really miserable, and I hate feeling miserable. I don't know why I'm so picky either. I seriously just get pissed at every minute silly thing he does, and the entire date can just go to the drain *snap* like that. There's something wrong with me. Either that, or there's something wrong with us. I just find it unbelievable when I ask myself, and realise that I'm not happy like 90% of the time. What's wrong?

I feel so sorry for him, and sometimes, I feel upset for myself too. I'm sorry for him cos I think he deserves so much better, but he's stuck with me. Darling, u're free to go if u can't take anymore of my shit ok? I love you, but why do I keep doing things to hurt u, and make myself miserable in the process? This is something I really really can't understand. And I have a serious mood swing problem. I can be so happy now, and really moody later in the day. Like *snap* happy - *snap* moody. Just like that. Am I ok? Still sane?

Feels weird not talking to him tonight. Maybe I'll just give hima ring.

2005-10-15T02:04:00.000+08:00

I bet no one understands how irritating it can be to have your birthday on Christmas. Let me share some pointers with u.

1. Chalets are always fully booked. From like 3 months ago.

2. The presents u get are always 2-in-1. So what if they claim to be more expensive?

3. When u tell people that's ur birthday, they look at u in some weird manner and says... "sure not? don't bluff la"

4. When u're trying to find a place to celebrate your 21st birthday, u just get more and more demoralised cos u can't find a place to do so. Just adds to your misery of growing older.

5. U gotta worry about who can make it can who can't. Which means, even if u don't celebrate on Xmas and do it on the eve (the fun is the counting down right?), all your Christian friends can't make it.

6. Caterers suck at festive seasons. I bet they don't even know what they're cooking.

7. I feel demoralised just writing this down, so I'll stop.

See? Xmas baby very nice hor? I'm gonna have such a fantastic 21st birthday cos I don't have a place to hold a celebration and everyone's telling me they might be going overseas.

Happy birthday to me.

2005-10-11T22:38:00.000+08:00

I made a new friend!

Ha ha ha.

Don't ask me who that is, Darr... I wanna make u jealous!

Ha ha ha!!

La la la...and I'm meeting my new friend tomorrow!

I feel like a little girl going out on a blind date once more...

Heh!

2005-10-06T00:15:00.000+08:00

YOU!!!

YES U!!!!

Stop looking away!!!

I-WANT-MAHJONG-I-WANT-MAHJONG-I-WANT-MAHJONG!!!!!

*rubs hands in glee*

itchy itchy

Easterners!!!!!!!!!!!! Where are u.... come to me.... I want uuuuuuuu....................

la la la la la la la.......

I just finished my mid terms!! Can playyyy...... why no one wants to play with me... I am so lonely....

*hugs myself piteously...*

No one wants to play with the ugly little geeky girl in the blue clip and specs...

*WAILS LOUDLY*

play with me pretty please? *whimpers*

2005-10-04T19:51:00.000+08:00

This is the flower given by Weixin on the day of screwed-up performance. haha.

It looks nothing like that now cos its withered and er... passed on? ha ha ha... but the pink was really very pretty! Right dear?

Must record this ah...1st flower given to me by my boy! More to come right? Heh heh heh... *grins*

And these are the 2 little things I sleep with every night.

Ok la, actually they're not very little. Added up, they take up 1/4 of my sleeping space!! Cos they're both fat. Hur hur hur...

The bear's called Sunny, and the cat's Farni. Ok don't ask me why the cat has such a silly sounding name ok, it was given by Weixin. I think the conversation went something like that:

Me: "So how? What shall we name our Garfield?"

Wx: "U have a bear called Sunny right? Call him Cloudy lor.."

Me: *eyes wide open* "Are u crazy?? What kinda cat is called Cloudy? Don't want la..sounds so funny..."

Wx: "How about Windy? Sounds good... ha ha...Feng Yun!! (chinese for wind cloud)"

Me: "U think wu xia pian (chinese periodic drama serial) ah... trying to be funny ah u... Don't want la... sounds even more funny..."

Wx: (getting tired of the conversation) "Aiya. Name it Funny la. Since u keep saying he's funny what... then u every morning look at it will think its so funny and make u laugh. Good right? Ok settled, call it funny lo.

Me: "Still sounds funny leh... how to spell funny? F-U-N-N-Y ah??"

Wx: "F-A-R-N-I"

Me: "Why?"

Wx: "Sounds more cool ma..."

Me: "................................"

And so the name stuck with poor Garfield up till this day. How funny. Ha ha. But seriously, the cat looks quite funny. It has a pink nose. pastel pink somemore. So weird.

Next, I shall show a pic of my cupboard. And some clothes I'm thinking of selling. Msg me if u wanna buy k, selling real cheap. Cos my wardrobe's bursting.

Clockwise from top left:

1. My wardrobe bursting with clothes, I need a new wardrobe! But somehow, I still feel a lack of clothes to wear each time I'm racking my brains which top I wanna wear. Is it just me? Or is it a universal problem all girls face?

2. Bought these 4 halter tops from Hongkong, all bright striking colours, never worn before. haha, but I think I wanna sell. Msg me if u're interested. Going cheap, $6 each! Oh ya, they'll fit a S size person.

3. A close up on the halter. Nice right? I really love the colours, but I realised I'm not a halter person. I look better in racer or spag straps!

4. One of my spag straps that I've worn less than 5 times. Bought it quite ex, $20+ i think... Thinking of selling it, maybe about $15. Negotiable.

I've got lots of tops worn only a few times or never worn before, with price tags intact. Ha ha.. msg me if u're interested, stating the type (sleeveless, short sleeve, racer back blah blah) or colour preference, and I'll take pics of them and send them over! Personal service eh?

Ok, up next, my Biotherm products!

Just some pics of the full sized products. I've got those little ones that some of u might be interested in.

Took some pics of the miniatures, but abit lazy to put up la.

As usual, msg me if u're interested. Miniatures starting from as little as $3 for 30ml eye make-up remover and 30ml toner to $10 for 15ml facial moisturiser and $15 for 15ml anti-aging moisturiser, both day and night. All prices negotiable. =)

*phew* finally finished all my advertisements.

Actually, I started writing this post with an objective. I have been bugged by a subject matter for the past few days, and finally, I begin to see a light in front of me, so I wanted to write out something to bring more clarity to my confused little mind. And as usual, I got deviated from my original path. This happens all the time, especially when u're are confused soul like me. Just get used to it.

Ok, to put things into perspective, my feelings for my boy got a little jumbled up cos of something that happened. And this thing that happened had nothing to do with my boy at all, so strictly speaking, he's just an innocent party made confused by me in this whole drama. I truely thought I was totally into my current relationship, what is there to hold me back?

My boy really cracks me up and makes me happy like none other.

He showers me with all his love unconditionally, and has never asked for anything in return other than for me not to throw my tantrums so often.

He, who stays in the far and distant Yishun (why u like that place so much I'll never understand, move to East Coast! Here nicer!) oh yes, as I was saying, seldom fails to send me home whenever I request him to.

He, who puts up with my nonsense like no one has.

He, who never flares up at me no matter how unreasonable I was being.

He, who swallows down his pride simply cos I've got just as big an ego.

He, who has been there for me even though I've told him that I didn't really did get over my ex.

He, who held my hands in his, telling me he will make sure the day comes, when he'll be the only one in my heart.

He, who had to endure hurt after hurt, when I cried time and again over someone, when that someone wasn't him.

He, who once again told me he'll be here to help me stand up, to get over this whole episode.

He, who has told me numerous times that he loves me, but never once did I wholeheartedly believe him.

He, who has been disappointed once and again by my words.

And he... who has stuck through all the shit I've thrown in his path.

I salute u darling.

I have no idea what shape I'll be in today if u hadn't been there, supporting me, encouraging me. No matter how much u were hurting inside, u just wanted me to be alright. Believe me when I say I truly appreciate it.

In all my 20 years, I've never met a guy like u. U're truly amazing. And I mean it. I didn't fall head over heels in love with u when I 1st met u (I'll tell u guys the story next time), but all your gestures over time... has made me look upon u with a fresh new perspective. One of respect, admiration and... love. U've shown me how much u could give into our relationship, and how much u're willing to go through to make it work.

And for this sweetheart, from the very bottom of my heart....

Thank you.

2005-10-04T19:16:00.000+08:00

Your dating personality profile:

Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.

Your date match profile:

Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.
Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Stylish
2. Liberal
3. Sensual
4. Outgoing
5. Big-Hearted
6. Adventurous
7. Funny
8. Intellectual
9. Romantic
10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Funny
2. Conservative
3. Shy
4. Adventurous
5. Athletic
6. Stylish
7. Practical
8. Traditional
9. Intellectual
10. Romantic

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

This is quite cute. =) I dunno how true this is, but the part about wanting my partner to be funny definitely appiles. My boy cracks me up all the time. Haha, I told my cousin this, and she says its prolly just cos I laugh at anything under the sun. heh.

No la, I think that u're really funny, even if the whole world begs to differ, alright? ha ha ha..even though I laugh at all sorts of things, haha, I secretly am in love with your weird sense of humour. ha ha ha ha ha!

2005-10-02T17:07:00.000+08:00

I tried my very hardest...
I did.

I shock myself being the way I am...
Why does it feel this way?

I searched for the answer...
And I found none.

'Cept for one...
That I never really did...

So why...
What happened?

I question over and over again...
Just to face confusion over and over again.

I am killing myself with this...
Yet I feel helpless.

Both arms outstretched...
but where do I turn to?

Show me a way...
Lead me on.

Where should I go...
the future is fast approaching.

Deep sighs from within...
the path seems so straight.

So why...
Why does it seem so curvy all of a sudden?

I really really want to walk on...
No burdens, no worries, no impossibilities.

Wish it didn't feel this way...
I've let myself down.

Suddenly...
tears fall silently.

I wonder why...

2005-10-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

Hello hello!!!!

*excited*

I went shopping at Bishan today!!! Oh goodness. ok I shall try to calm down and start talking normally.

*breathes....deep breaths...*

Met my boy after tution today...tution was ok, but progress was slow. My kid didn't understand lots of phrases, and I had alot of explaining to do. Throat feeling a little sore now. (but the shopping made up for all of it!!!) erm, I mean... the water made me feel better.

So after tution, I met my boy at bishan with no intention to do anything else but eat. Really. I swear. So off we went to thai express. The food not bad la, I think he quite liked it. Ooooo... we're reaching the exciting part.

We were walking around after dinner, and my watchful eyes spotted this sign "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE! FREE PIECE MUST BE OF LOWER OR EQUAL VALUE THAN THE FIRST." Oooooooooooooo................................!!!!

Bum Equipment leh!!!!

So I walked in. Ok, correction... I dragged my boy's hand and skipped excitedly into the shop. Looking at the 1st rack.... "Wa! So cheap ah!!" And meanwhile, my guy ambled to the guy's section, naturally. I hopped over enthusiastically and thick-skin-ly offered my comments. "Wa!Nice leh!!! That one that one!! Metro leh!! Go try go try!!!" So off he went into the fitting room, in... and out...in... and out... till we both got satisfied with his choice of tees. 3 altogether!!! Ha ha ha... and I chose 4 tops altogether, plus a pair of undies. Ooooo...so so happy with my buys. And the best part was when I was at the cashier. I asked for a calculator and ti ti ti ti ti.... $74!!! Can u believe it?!?! 7 tops plus a pair of undies from BUM, and its ONLY $74!!!! See!!! I'm a good shopper right??? Agree with me Darrrrrr????

Lets see now... one of the tops came with the undies as a set for only $10. (this one already on offer la, so cannot get another top free. they say must buy regular item then can get something else free la.)
My guy got 3 tops at $26, $23 and $23.
I got myself another 3 tops at $19, $15 and $10.

$74!!!!

So so happy.... *blissful smile*

And the shirts are part of my guy's birthday gifts. ha ha. My mum said no element of surprise one... aiya... u're talking about me leh... I no element of surprise??? just u wait.... I SHOW u what it surprise ok... just don't faint. heh heh.

ok, shopping aside, I read another touching little excerpt from mrbrown's site. the way he tugs at your heartstrings... it's really... heart wrenching. just read it...slowly, mind you...

It is late, we just finished watching a movie. And we are curled up in bed, watching Faith breathe as she sleeps. In her slumber, you almost believe that her glass wall, her autism, isn't there.

The movie's theme song, The Blower's Daughter, by Damien Rice, is still echoing in our minds.
Long after the disc stopped playing the music video, long after the television was turned off.

"I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you..."

"I am fat," she says.

"No, you're not. You look very nice with your little tummy. I don't know why you feel this way."

"She is beautiful," she says, looking at Faith.

"She is."

"Sometimes, I see the dolls, and I want to buy them for her. But I know she will not play with them," she says.

"It's okay, it is a matter of time. Her timing is different. By the time this one," I pat her tummy, "comes, she may be ready to play with dolls then."

"I want her to be well."

"I know. But all she wants is to be loved. And accepted for who she is."

"Does she know we love her?"

"I think so. She knows it though she cannot tell us she knows it."

"Did she call you Pa today?"

"Yes, she did, several times. She had not said it for a while, but today she did," I smile in the dark.

"Did she want you to carry her?"

"Yes, she did, and she whispered Pa when she wanted to be carried. It was fun playing with the two of them, her brother and her. But tiring."

"I want her to be well."

"I know. But all she wants is to be loved. And that is more important than anything else we give her as her parents. If she gets well from her condition, it is a bonus. But the best we can give her is our love."

"Yes."

'Now go to sleep."

"You will clear the dustbin in the kitchen?"

"Yes, I will do that now."

Beautiful, isn't it? Simply beautiful.

I wish you well too little Faith... U're so lucky to have such a wonderful daddy and mummy... *hugs* u will be well one day... because they have faith in you.

*******

At times like this, I ponder and find myself thinking about the kids that I might have. Will I have a partner just as sweet and understanding, just as loving, who would go through all of life's turbulances with me? Will he fulfill his vows and take care of me in sickness and health, stick with me through all unreasonable and bad-tempered moments, put up with me through menstration, child-birth, post natal depression, flabbiness, menopause and old age?

I wonder.....

Fairytales still exist, don't they?

2005-09-28T22:01:00.000+08:00

My tution today went o-k. Time passed surprisingly fast, and before I knew it, 2 hours was up. It was suppose to be an hour and a half's lesson with my kid, but he had so many questions that I bo pian have to drag. So at the end of it all, I asked if he wanted to make all lessons 2 hours instead (of cos, increasing my fees in the process). He said ok! Guess he liked my teaching and said he was clear about the stuff I've explained. la la la... So I'm now getting $180 for 4 lessons of 2 hours each! Yey!

Hmm. Rather upset now cos of something. I don't understand why I'm so sheltered...like, all my life. My dad seriously thinks I'm like this vulnerable kid incapable of crossing the road properly or something. So upsetting. If u must know u bloody kaypo, he didn't allow me to go malaysia. No arguments. Know why? Cos he says is an unsafe country blah blah blah. O-k lo..if u really think so then fetch me straight there la. When I suggested that, he said I might as well have suggested he hire a bodyguard for me. Hello?!? I'm not the one who thinks that m'sia is unsafe! I'm not the one who keeps thinking that I'll get robbed or bombed or kidnapped the next minute. U're the one who keeps saying its unsafe what. So if u're really that worried, then FETCH ME THERE LA!! U just wanna keep me at home right? Don't think I dunno.

So how? Whole life don't go m'sia la? Just cos u think its unsafe? WTH. I give up arguing with u man. Sian 1/2 liao la. I really don't know when I'm ever gonna get my freedom. Darr, think u gotta alot to put up with my overprotective and paranoid dad. Sorry.

Damn sian mood now. No mood to do anything. And I got lots of facial and body products to sell man. Any one wants to buy?? They're all unused and sealed, plus its the latest batch, can still be kept for at least 2 years. Lets see now... I've got:

1. 2 bottles of Biotherm normal/combination skin toner, 200ml each. Retail price is $38 each.

2. 1 bottle of Biotherm whitening toner, 200ml. Retail price: $50.

3. 1 tube of Biotherm whitening cleanser, 125ml. Retail price: $48.

4. 1 bottle of Biotherm whitening essence (also know as serum), 30ml. Retail price: $105

5. 1 bottle of Biotherm Eau Vitaminee body milk (also known as body moisturiser), 200ml. Retail price: $42.

6. 1 tube of Biotherm normal/combination skin facial scrub, 75ml. Retail price: $42

7. 3 sets of Biotherm shampoo plus conditioner. Shampoo 250ml, conditioner 150ml. Retail price: Dunno, cos not sold in Singapore. But I seriously swear by this product, cos its super super good. Hair damn smooth after using, provided yours is not damaged hair. If u never did anything funny to your hair before (like constant dyeing or perming), then u should try this man, I promise u won't regret. Er, so the retail price I'll set myself, since I'm the monopoly in Singapore. Retail price: $30 per set.

8. Lots and lots of small sample products of facial moisturisers and eye make-up removers and toners. Can't list them all, too much already. If u're interested, leave a comment and get back to me, I'll reply u asap.

For all prices listed above, they are the standard market price (meaning departmental store price). But ALL products are going for 30% discount, prices negotiable. I swear they're all unused and seals intact, if not, fully refundable. The reason why I'm selling them so cheap is cos I've stocked up too much when I went abit mad buying them (u know the thing about women and cosmetic + facial products) and now I regret cos I realise I'll never be able to finish everything I bought. So what to do... the next best thing is to sell it at a loss rather than wasting them and letting them rot right?

If u need more information on the products, do not hesitate to contact me. I also have other products that have been used only a few times, but I dunno if there'll be buyers. So I shan't advertise. Er..if u're living in Timbuktoo and happen to come across my blog, all prices stated are in Singapore dollars, not US dollars. Reasonable hor?

So if your friends are interested, pls pls do let me know!! Prices are negotiable! Thank u thank u... I know I'm a good business woman, no need to clap. Thank u thank u...

2005-09-27T23:36:00.000+08:00

Eeeekkkss!!!

Saw a bloody cockroach. BUT I didn't scream.

*gives a proud smirk*

Oh ya... tomorrow I'll be giving my 1st ever lit tution. Goodness. I've never tutored lit before... but I'm looking forward to it, cos Ben said that the kid is hardworking and very good. Hmm... shall try my best I suppose.

What to do? Who ask my mum's, dad's and boyfriend's birthday to all fall within less than 30 days of each other?!?

I need money man.

And I've got lots of things to plan. I want that day to be perfect.

2005-09-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

I'm so upset right now.

I've written the longest and best entry ever, and everything got erased.

Cos the stupid blogger got fucked up and asked for my login id.

And erased every single thing in the process.

I wanna cry.

I really really wanna cry.

2005-09-26T00:31:00.000+08:00

I got this very beautiful piece of writing off mrbrown's site.

It's simple, yet wonderfully touching at the same time. A-m-a-z-i-n-g.

Now...if only someone would write something like that for me... that would really make me melt...

Hold your breaths fellas... as u witness the unveiling of one of the most beautiful writings I've ever come across... get that piece of tissue ready by your side, alright? Its good if your guy or girl's around for u to give a tight hug to afterwards.

********

I am the baby who was placed in front of the gate of his parents' three-room HDB flat so that the neighbours' kids walking by along the corridor could play with him while his mother juggled teaching and being a new mother.

I am the toddler who spent many days playing in his maternal grandparents' retail store in North Bridge Road and enjoying the grass at Katong Park.

I am the kid who took the school bus to Primary 1 without his parents, because they had to work, and wondering why the other kids were crying when their parents were there.

I am the boy who spent many happy weekends waking up to knocks at the window at 6am to play badminton, One Leg, and Dua Bei Long ("big balloon") with his friends, the neighbourhood children, at the playground downstairs.

I am the boy who came back from the school field every recess, every PE, and after school, with muddy shoes and sweaty shirt, after a game of soccer.

I am the boy who cannot do that anymore, because the playground and the school field have become multi-storey carparks.

I am the brother who fought with you all the time when we were kids.

I am the brother who got beaten for not getting full marks at school, and who got you beaten by mom too, because you happened to be in her line of sight.

I am the brother who is different from you, and yet the same as you in so many ways.

I am the son who cried beneath the living room table, when he saw you two fight and did not know why.

I am the son who made you cry for not choosing the path you wanted for me.

I am the son who now knows how hard it is to be a parent and how much a parent is willing to do for his children.

I am the boyfriend who called you every night from camp after booking in, to talk with you for hours, lining up for the pay phone or calling from the company line and risking the wrath of the Duty Officer.

I am the boyfriend who stayed as late at your place as he possibly could, and ran after the very last Number 8 bus, so that he could take the very last Number 51, so that he did not have to take a cab or pay the midnight surcharge.

I am the boyfriend you chose to be your partner for life.

I am the husband who lost the two teddy bears used to decorate our wedding car.

I am the husband who woke up at 3am one night, after you told him it was time, and rushed you down to the hospital with his dad.

I am the husband who almost lost you when you could not stop bleeding after giving birth to our firstborn.

I am the father who did not understand why his firstborn daughter did not call him papa, or play with other children, or look him in the eye, but who knows she loves him anyway, from behind the wall that covers her mind but not her heart.

I am the father who sees himself in his son's laughter and eyes, a child born of faith.

I am the father who awaits his third child, a girl, to arrive, and who knows he is going to fall in love at first sight for the third time.

I am that man. I am that boy. I am that child.

********

My guy said that he could relate to the part about running after the last bus. Only thing is, he had to walk through a dirty canal to run after the very last Number 10 bus, so that he could take the very last Number 969, so that he did not have to take a cab or pay the midnight surcharge. Oh well... the trauma of going through this thing called courtship. But it all pays off in the end, doesn't it?

One last question. Are u going to be the boyfriend I choose to be my partner for life?

2005-09-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

Oooo... I'm in the mood for something...

Sigh.

2005-09-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

Just came back from my performance. Huh? What's that? U asking me a question?

*strains my ears*

Oh...U're asking me what performance I had? Why didn't I ask u to go? Ok, right. I'll answer u. Cos its not like u know how to appreciate anyway. And I screwed up, if u wanna know. It wasn't obviously till tomatoes were thrown at me (or worse, rotten eggs), but I am totally unsatisfied with my inadequate performance given the confidence I had of carrying out a great job. I felt so turn-off by my own playing. Mistakes galore. Got it? So I assure u, u really didn't miss out on much.

Doesn't help with the fact that I wasn't too pleased with some of the people in the ensemble. Ok, I know I should be an angel and not hold such thoughts, especially since we're part of a team, but I really can't stand the attitude of some people. Personally (and speaking in a conscience-filled manner), I don't have a very good attitude myself when it comes to many many things, such as attending lessons... handing in tutorials... punctuality when I meet up with friends... blah blah. But at the very least, I'm glad to say I have the decency of paying attention to anyone who speaks to me, more so when its an important matter. I certainly would not turn my head away and pretend that the someone is talking to a wall and give a couldn't-care-less attitude, or a this-doesn't-concern-me attitude, when it obviously does. These people deserve a slap. Tight one. To wake them up.

Call me evil lo. I don't care. I personally feel that if u haven't had a chance of playing in a proper ensemble before, then u fucking learn the etiquette of being in one. If u can't be bothered to and just wanna do things your own way, I seriously think its a waste of my time playing with someone like you. Secondary school students have better discipline than that. And to those who think u're too good to come for practices and simply turn up for one bloody rehearsal before the big day, expecting the rest of us to worship you and bow at your feet, go screw yourself. U are part of the ensemble, the ensemble isn't part of u. Every single player is equally important for your information mr-big-shot. Just so responsible of u to email all of us one day before and say that u're not playing for the concert when your name's already down in the programme booklet. fucking professional LA!

*breathes in....*
*breathes out....*

Just hate the feeling when I feel screwed up after a performance. Feels so off.

On a lighter note, my guy came with a single stalk of gerbera for me (so stingy right?) and gave it to me before my performance. I love the pretty pink! Shall post a pic of it when I can. And he carried my violin and laptop all the way home. So sweet of him (though he's suppose to do it LA. Who on earth would make a weak lady carry her own heavy stuff even if she spews vulgarities right?) ... bet his arm was aching from all that exercise. But darr, its good practice k? We shall do it more often? Replaces those corroding dumb bells of yours... free exercise leh. Thank me thank me!

*SMIRKS*

yea as u can tell, we made up. If not who's gonna carry all my stuff for me? Aiya, I'm a softie la. Both physically and emotionally. Thats why so easily taken in by him what....

Huh?
Whats that again?
U're asking me what he did to melt me?

Nothing much lo... just came school look for me in the rain (but got umbrella LA.. if not u think filming movie MEH) and keep pacifying me. His persistence and perservence paid off la... plus the fact that he promised to be more sensitive next time. Oei! Keep your promise k!
If not i swear I'll leave my fingerprints on your firm (oops!) butt.

And screw all those pop-ups that keep appearing outta nowhere la. Damn annoying leh. Whats wrong with me today...so vulgur all of a sudden. Don't misunderstand k. I'm nice.

Really.

Its just one of those days.

2005-09-22T01:25:00.000+08:00

I'm hurt.

So hurt.

I just wanna crawl into my cave and hide there forever.

I thought I could embrace the new world, but I was wrong.

U make me just wanna hide there....

And not come out.

Please prove me wrong... that I wasn't wrong about you.

2005-09-19T02:55:00.000+08:00

I'm not planning to tell others about my new blog though I'm dying to!! Cos its still under construction, and I'm taking pride in doing a good job of it, though I know it can't be compared to seasoned bloggers out there. I'm just adding more and more pictures by the day, and I'm so happy!! Ha ha.. I've gone a lil mad, pardon me.

Celebrated mid-autumn festival today with my guy, and it was a slow and quiet night we spent together. Feels good to just sit by the beach, watching the waves splash up the shores while lying against him, feeling the warmth of his arms around me... it just feels so right. See the picture of us with darkness forming the backdrop? The whole thing just feels so... sensual. Yes, I'm talking about the pic on the left, not the one on top.

awww...pardon me while I go bask in my new-found happiness... don't be envious, alright?

2005-09-18T02:54:00.000+08:00

My goodness. So tiring. If only I put in as much effort doing my java as I do in this new blog. Ha ha ha. My mind is getting a little swamped from looking at all those transcripts.

So how?? I think its a good start, my new blog!! Yey!!

*hugs myself in delight*

What to do... no one here to hug me what. So i hug myself lo. *mutters*

Gonna go carry lanterns later today!! So festive!! Ha! But I've not bought my lanterns yet... how how... cannot find leh..

Oooo... I need a hug right now.

2005-09-15T18:12:00.000+08:00

Gosh this is so true...was quite amazed as I was reading it through, maybe this explains why I've been feeling so unsettled and nostalgic the past few days. I got it off a site, seems like it pretty true for the other girl who did it as well. Maybe this is really one of those millions of tests out there that is even slightly accurate... maybe, just maybe. try it out here:

You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realize that whatever the situation may be at this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

You are full of stress at this time. It would seem that you are having more than your fair share of trials and tribulations and you are looking for a way out. You are not quite sure which way to go but the advice is - 'Stop trying so hard'.

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realize those dreams and to turn them into reality.

ok, just to prove that the test is not bull, I did it again. Guess what, the results talked about another aspect of my life, and man, can I relate to it. Interesting how a certain fact seems to repeat itself.

You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

At this time you 'need to be needed' and again you 'need to need'. You have had this feeling for some time now and you are looking for someone who could share a close bond in an atmosphere of shared intimacy. You have the belief that with the right person you could conquer the world.

You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If it's not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

ok, enough. Its kinda creepy the way my mind is being read.

the very 1st post

2005-09-13T03:51:00.000+08:00

alright dudes.

i'm just testing out right here..right now, just to see if something comes out. Been two months since I last blogged, kinda missed the feeling, so I shall get back to it. Shan't share it with many people though.

Tata, till then!